Numb
by ClassyClassic16
Summary: Maura and Jane are now a couple, when something devastating happens. Can they survive? Warning! Rape
1. I Can't Feel You There

**Yes, it is impossible for me to write something cheerful or light.**** So I bring you this instead.** **Warning! Rape. **_  
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**All mistakes are mine, I don't own Rizzoli and Isles, I really wish I did.  
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**Please Read and Review  
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_Maura breathes, her eyes fluttering open occasionally. She feels the harsh pain between her legs, and the scratching of nails inside her, dragging the blood out of her veins. She closes her eyes again, and whimpers. "Please… please stop this… please…" _

"_Oh come now, you're precious little detective wants a dirty girl, doesn't she?" The woman's voice says softly, and Maura feels harsh teeth start on her neck. The woman has a few pounds on her, but Maura isn't usually this weak. She feels like her limbs are glued to the floor, and her head weighs a thousand pounds. _

"_I don't wa… want this…" Maura whispers, fighting to open her eyes. Her body feels paralyzed and her breath hikes as the fingernails scratch inside her again. _

"_Of course you do," The woman starts kissing her chest, leaving bite marks along her collarbone. "You don't know what you're saying. Those glasses of wine have made you lose your mind." _

"_I… it was only one…" Maura can't raise her voice louder than a murmur, and she wants to fall asleep. The pain that is tearing out her insides is keeping her awake. "St…stop…" _

"_Ssshh," The woman's finger is on her lips and Maura weakly opens her eyes, looking into the black ones. They aren't warm like Jane's, they're cold and ruthless. They're laughing at her pain. "Just enjoy yourself. You won't get that dirty, but Jane won't want to touch you again after this."_

_Maura feels chills run down her spine and goose bumps lie her neck as the woman leans in and whispers close to her ear, "After this, you're all mine." _

"_She'll always… love me…" Maura stammers, trying to get the words out. She hitches her breath again when the nails enter her, and wishes she could wipe the tears from her cheeks. The woman pulls out again, and drags the claws against her cheek, leaving thin streaks of blood behind._

"_You're a riot... You really think she'll love you after she knows about this? It's amazing that she's with you now…" The woman runs her lips down Maura's collar bone before speaking again, "It would only take one thing to get her to leave you. But maybe Rizzoli likes her girls dirty…"_

-.-

Maura rolls over and looks at the sleeping figure of Jane. She stands up, and heads into the bathroom, the tile floor cold underneath her bare feet. Splashing cold water on her face, Maura sees her hands tremble. The same recurring nightmare had ravaged her again, leaving her body shaken and torn. Beads of cold sweat are dotted around her brow.

Not again, not this again. Maura sits on the toilet seat, trying to control her breathing. Jane had insisted on her coming to bed tonight, instead of sleeping on the couch. She wrings her hands together, rocking back and forth. The pictures are still in her mind, and there's a dull ache between her thighs.

Jane can't figure out she woke up, again. The detective was already worried about her, and she didn't need Jane's natural habits to be disturbed just because she couldn't sleep. Maura stand up, and feels her head spin. She reaches out, grabbing the wall and waiting until the dizzy spell was over.

She could never tell Jane, nor would she try too. Riley had been correct; it wouldn't take much to give Jane that push. Maura needed the tall brunette lying just a few feet from that door; she couldn't give her ammunition to leave, but she felt so guilty about making her stay. Jane did deserve someone better, someone who wasn't so… filthy, who wasn't so tainted. Maybe one day she could say something… maybe…

She shuts the lights and leaves the bathroom, walking in the dark to the bed. She bangs her shin against the bed frame, and falls into the bed, narrowly missing Jane's back. She curls into a ball, and tries to get comfortable, wishing she could go back to the couch.

"It's just a dream," She whispers to herself, rocking slightly. "It' just a dream… it's just a dream… just a dream… a dream…"

-.-

"Morning Jane," Maura smiles fakely, and sits at the kitchen table. Jane sets a plate of pancakes on the wooden surface in front of her, and Maura nods, looking at the food blankly. She's not hungry, if anything, she's nauseous. The dream happened again. It was quite lucid as well, and Maura had woken up drenched in sweat and tears. At least she had woken up still before Jane, and it was early enough in the morning to actually get out of bed with arousing suspicion.

"Good morning, feel better after a sleep in the bed?" Jane leans on her elbows opposite Maura and waits for a response. Maura had been out for a walk this morning; she had heard her leave the house.

"Yes, it was quite comfortable." Maura nods, taking a small bite of the pancakes, trying to keep them down. She can see that Riley's face when she closes her eyes, and she wants to scrub herself until she's chafing. Seeing her at work tomorrow would be hell, living hell.

"That good, you seem so tense lately. Is it because your parents are coming?" Jane's face shows legitimate worry, and Maura wants to cry. Jane loves her so much, and all Maura can do is lie. "I know you told me that you're dad isn't the most accepting of our relationship."

"I'm worried about that. Yes, that's why I've been tense." Maura confirms, feeling the need to do it more for herself than Jane. She had completely forgotten about her parent's visiting. Everything had gotten so horrible so quickly, she had just taken the past Thursday and Friday off work; she couldn't bear to go in and show her face to Riley.

"Maura, you have to calm down. I can take on your dad about this." Jane says, and Maura jumps at the touch of her hand on her arm. She pulls away suddenly, and she can't make eye contact with Jane. She can't have the taller woman look at her with that much worry.

"I'm sure you can Jane, I'm just going to shower now." Maura quickly stands up and turns to leave but Jane grabs her wrist. She nearly screams, and she can feel the tears burn hot down her face; she can't turn around and show this mess to Jane.

"Aren't you hungry at all? I know you're used to fancy breakfasts and stuff, but I figured pancakes would be ok…" Jane sounds worried and sad... and everything else between. Maura gently tugs her wrist away, feeling Riley's hands gripping them, those nails digging into her skin.

"I had a little to eat before I left. Just wrap them up, I'll have some later." Maura whispers, and leaves. She can't stop crying now. She feels empty, like someone has quite literally ripped out her heart, or told it to stop beating. She knows she's hurting Jane, and that's hurting her more than anything else now.

-.-

"You're parents called." Maura nearly jumps out of her skin when Jane opens the door to the bathroom. She quickly throws the towel over herself, and nods slowly. Her eyes are red but her face is still wet from shower water. "Are you ok? Maura, why are you crying?"

"I'm not crying, just some shampoo got in my eyes." Maura whispers, keeping a safe distance from Jane. "They called, alright. What did they say?"

"They can't make it for dinner. Your mom has some function or something that's supposed to happen this weekend. They were in Switzerland when they called." Jane huffs, Maura can tell she's aggravated. Jane never really liked her parents, especially after she told off her mother in the art gallery opening.

"That's two less people to cook for then." Maura says. She wants to turn away from Jane, like the taller woman can somehow see the thick layer of dirt that covers her skin. Her eyes are moving from the floor to the walls and the towel rack; careful not to pass over the brunette's body or face.

"Maura, please tell me what's wrong…" Jane hugs her, and Maura tightens. She can't do this… she can't… She crosses her arms inside Jane's embrace, and closes her eyes tightly, trying not to think of anything at this moment.

"Nothing's wrong Jane… I'm perfectly fine, just a little tired." Maura whispers and she sees Jane pull back. The look on the brunette's face is enough to make her burst into tears, but she doesn't.

"Is this about what happened… a few weeks ago?" Maura bites her lip nervously. She had tried not to think about that too much since the other incident happened. She can't handle thinking she had cost Jane a child as well. "Maura, they told us it wasn't uncommon for a first time pregnancy to… to miscarry. It's not your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself. Please Maura? I hate seeing you like this…"

She collapsed. She had to; there was no other way to put it. Maura sunk into Jane's arms effortlessly, sobbing with her entire being. Thinking of that child... that she had lost… it was another thing that was her fault. She had been trying to stay strong for the longest time, ever since that one night; she had brought the miscarriage to the back of her mind because she couldn't bear think of it. She had made Jane so upset with that miscarriage; maybe… maybe she deserved what she got…

Jane holds her tighter, and she can't bear it. She wants to pull away, and yell at Jane not to touch her ever again. So she does…

"Maura… look at me, please." Jane pleads when Maura pulls away, but she doesn't care. Jane shouldn't even look at her.

"No… I can't… Jane…" She tries to get out on her own, but the words swim in front of her eyes when she opens them. "Don't touch me," She nearly screams when Jane tries to take her arm. She covers her face with her hands, and tries to calm down, pulling back harshly every time Jane tries to touch her.

"No, Maura… you are not going to tell me what to do... not when you're like this," Jane grabs her again, and Maura shoves her harder. They've never been like this… so physically violent. Maura never expected to see herself in a position like this with Jane. "Maura, look at me! I'm not leaving until you tell me what's wrong, because this isn't just one thing. Maura, what the hell happened?"

Maura bites her lip so hard she thinks it's going to bleed, and she turns her head from Jane. "Then we'll both be here all day." She just wants Jane to leave, just leave her alone… She can't say that. She can't knowingly push Jane away; that would just be another thing eating away at her.

"Fine by me," Jane shuts the door and leans on it. She looks at Maura, and Maura has never felt so guilty in all her life. Jane looks like she's about to burst into tears; which is something Jane Rizzoli rarely does. "Maura, I don't know what happened but this…" She's at a loss for words, "This isn't normal behavior."

She should just tell Jane. Tell her everything. The excruciating pain she had felt when she had miscarried; how she had been so depressed and alone. The horrific feeling of being lain out on the table down in the morgue and raped by an officer she knew. The unbearable feeling of dirtiness she feels daily, the feeling that won't ever leave her alone. The depression fluxuated, this has been a solid line of filthiness that she feels.

But Jane is her wife… her wife. Leaning on the door is the woman she has told everything to, and who has stood by her through everything else. Jane wouldn't be the type to run away from something like this; if anything she'd march down to the police station and shoot Riley multiple times. Jane wouldn't hate her; she'd probably feel guilty though, and that was something Maura really couldn't handle. Jane didn't deserve anything that Maura could give her; the dark haired woman was better than that.

What could Maura give her? Pain, filth, guilt, depression… Maura twisted her wet hair around her fingers, tugging slightly. Jane shouldn't have to deal with the intensity of her injuries, mental and physical. Now, on a psychological level, she felt as though she had deserved what Riley had done. She had lost their child; she had a responsibility to that baby, and she had failed miserably.

"Maura," Jane repeats, and Maura stops tugging at her hair. She looks at Jane, noticing how tired she looks. Tired, and beaten. Maura knows how badly the miscarriage hit her as well. "Please… just tell me what happened to you. Was it something at work?"

Maura nods her head slowly, but regrets it. She sees the rapt attention on Jane's face; the tall woman knows she has had some sort of breakthrough.

"What happened? Maura, please tell me what happened. You can't lie, I know it and you know it. I can stand here and play 20 questions with you all day and all night until I get the answer. What happened?" Jane tentatively touches her, and she feels herself instinctively shy away. She doesn't want Jane touching her again, not until she's a bit cleaner.

"It was nothing Jane, it wasn't important and you certainly don't need to worry about it." Maura whispers, trying to avoid the inevitable. She shouldn't have nodded, she shouldn't have, but Jane's correct. She can't lie.

"If it's making you this upset, that you won't eat, you won't let me touch you, you're sleeping on the freaking couch every night! I had to drag you to bed last night, that's not just something you can forget about…" Jane doesn't touch her this time, and Maura's grateful. "Did you have an affair?"

"No!" She exclaims, close to crying. She would never do that to Jane, never. She had turned down Riley's advances so often that night and yet… it happened. It wasn't choice… She starts bawling again, she can't control this. Jane catches her again. "I swear Jane; I would never… never… do that… I promise…"

"Then what happened?" Jane holds her up steady, and looks at her. She just needs Jane to ask her that one question, she can't lie. She can't bring herself to wreck their lives either. "Maura, did you have sex with someone else?"

She starts crying, and hands fly to her face, covering it. She can practically see the dirt on her fingers from when Riley guided them… making Maura touch her…

"Maura, what…" Jane puts two and two together. She nearly drops Maura, and Maura can feel her grip on her forearms loosen. "Was it… did… was it… did you want it?" She finally gets out, and Maura shakes her head. She feels faint, but Jane looks like she's about to drop dead. All colour has drained from her face…

"Who the hell was it?" Jane's angry. She looks more upset than Maura's ever seen her. "Maura, tell me who it was so I can go and kill that sorry son of a bitch. Maura… was it someone we work with… daily. Part of our team?"

Maura nods again, leaning limp in Jane's arms. Jane's hair is brushing against her face, and the towel is still clinging to her. Jane rattles of names, and Maura shakes her head softly against each of them, waiting for that horrible name to pop up. She never wants to hear Jane say it again, she can't bear it.

Jane holds her tighter, and Maura can picture her face, pained and angry. She shouldn't have said anything, she shouldn't have. Now Jane is going to feel guilty as well, she knows her wife all too well. Jane grips her tightly, needing to catch her balance momentarily. She knows… they both do now…


	2. Blood of Innocence Burning in the Sky

**Thanks for the reviews on this story, glad to hear you all enjoy it! Honestly, writing stuff like this is so much easier than writing fluff. I just can't be happy with simple happiness... This chapter is a little confusing, perspectives change with every -.- **

**All mistakes are mine, sorry 'bout that. Don't own anything about Rizzles either :(  
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**Warning, mentions of rape. **

**Enjoy!**

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Jane sits at the table silently, her gun removed from its holster. She fingers it lightly, a mug of coffee in front of her. Maura's moving around behind her, brewing another pot of coffee. She had told Jane about the nightmares that had been happening since the night of the rape… god, Jane never realized how much she had that word. She's never felt like such a failure.

She had made a promise to Maura, to always protect her. She had failed miserably, and now Maura had suffered physically and mentally; her wife couldn't even see sleep as an escape because of those nightmares. Guilt… suffering…remorse…

The mug shatters as the bullet strikes it and Maura screams. Jane jumps instantly, reaching for Maura, but the doctor moves back quickly. Jane can see the fear flash across her face before calming down slightly.

"What was the purpose of that?" Maura whispers, grabbing the pot of coffee and brushing by Jane. She hates the way Maura barely looks at her. She can understand why Maura feels this way, but she doesn't want to believe it. She grabs the Maura's arm and leads her into the kitchen chair, putting the pot of coffee in front of her, with a new mug.

"When I see that bastard, I'm going to put my gun to her head just like that and kill her." Jane says quietly, sitting beside Maura and laying the gun on the table. She wants to say something, she wants to reach out and hold Maura, tell her it will be ok. She would do that, but Maura won't let her; she refuses to be touched in any way.

"You won't do that because I need you to be with me, and I certainly don't want you rotting away in some prison." Maura sips the coffee. She's extremely hyper, yet tired. She knows that she'll have to crash from the caffeine at some point, but until then, she'll continue filtering the stimulant into her system.

"I know, but I don't want her to get away with this… God Maura, you don't know how pissed off I am right now…" Jane momentarily grips the gun, dropping it again. On some level, she wants to shoot herself, for allowing this to happen. She should've stayed with Maura that night, instead of leaving early. She knew that Maura was having a hell of a time coping with the miscarriage, and she figured giving her a little space would be the best…

"It's not you're fault Jane, there was no way of knowing her intentions… I know you thought giving me some space would be healthy, and in any other circumstances, it would have been…" Maura whispers, hearing the endless moaning ring in her ears. She could listen to herself moan for help, she couldn't manage anything else… _the road to hell is paved with good intentions._

"Maur," Jane backs away from the gun, truly afraid she'll do something she'll regret. "You can rationalize it any way you want… but it's still my fault that this happened. I shouldn't have left you alone, and that's the end of it." She turns her head to Maura, seeing the tears flow freely, silently. "Maura, no matter what you think, you didn't deserve this."

She takes Maura's balled hands, but the smaller woman pulled away just as quickly, trying hard to stop crying. She's afraid she's going to cry if she even thinks of how Maura felt through that trial… how she must've begged for that bitch to stop… how every time she was ignored…

"Jane…" Maura doesn't know how to answer that, everything she says will be attacked by Jane, shot down with logic. She can't argue how she feels, no matter how illogical. She has managed to make it seem realistic in her head. She did deserve that… she had one responsibility to that child, and she had failed…

She stands quickly, gripping the coffee. "I'm going to bed." She whispers, her stomach growling breaking the silence. She couldn't keep anything down today, and Jane had been beside her, holding her hair back when she had her head in the toilet. Dinner had long since past, but she still felt nauseous.

"Are you sure you don't want anything to eat?" Jane looks at her, and she feels sick again. Jane looks pained, and guilty, saddened. It was all her fault, she shouldn't have said anything.

"I'm fine. I promise." She bites her lip to stop from crying, and leaves the room, climbing the stairs to the guest room. She's a guest here now, she can't sleep with Jane. She won't allow herself to. Quite honestly, she's unsure if that's her psyche punishing her or a legitimate fear that envisioning that night will overtake her. She still can't do it.

The lights flick on, and suddenly Maura realizes it's the wrong room. The light green paint on the walls shimmers briefly under the dim light, and as quickly as she turns it on, it's off again. She starts sobbing; everything is too much right now. She feels her way down the hall, reaching the guest room and slamming the door as she enters. She curls in a ball on the bed, crying until she manages to fall asleep.

**-.-**

The baby was supposed to be their saving grace. Both had wanted a child since they had gotten married, and when Maura had found out she was pregnant, she was ecstatic. Jane sits on the couch, gripping a cup of coffee, remembering how her wife had spent hours picking out baby clothes and furniture and organizing the room.

Jane tries to shake out those thoughts, putting the mug down on the coffee table and leaning her elbows onto her knees. She runs her fingers over her scalp, over and over, a normally soothing action for her. She's afraid of staying in one position for too long though, and she stands, heading upstairs; painfully aware that they both have work tomorrow.

The door to the guest room is shut, and Jane guesses it to be locked. Maura won't allow anyone near her, not now. She silently brushes past the guest room, and goes into the master bedroom. Tomorrow is a work day, and if she managed to not murder Riley… god, that name brought bile to her mouth; if she didn't kill Riley tomorrow, she never would.

She stands up again, not wanting to be in this room without Maura, and she makes her way into the hallway. It's dark, silent and freezing, but it's also 2 a.m. Jane runs one hand along the walls, coming in contact with a number of closed doors before finding her location. She slowly opens it and turns on the lights, blinking a few times at the brightness.

The crib is against one wall, a small mobile with stuffed animals is strung above it. A changing table is to her immediate left, and Jane runs a hand on the bare, cold wood. Shelves ready for picture frames and toys and plaques are on the wall, a small bookshelf is on the floor with a few books already in place. A rocking chair with a large stuffed giraffe is in the corner, looking warm and inviting.

How much time had Maura invested into making this room? How many hours she had spent, painting the walls and aligning the furniture? Jane can see Maura looking around the room, one hand on her nonexistent stomach, and beaming. She feels the tears run down her cheeks and goes into the room, shutting the door behind her. It's too empty to be a child's room.

She sits on the floor, crossing her legs and swallowing tears. Maura had miscarried, and then… God, Jane can't even bring herself to say the damn word. Her wife… had been raped… and she was probably thinking how she had deserved the way Riley had touched her… Jane pulls her knees to her chest and sobbed. Maura didn't deserve that, never in a million years would she ever deserve that…

**-.-**

Maura sits up in the bed, still wearing yesterdays clothing. The night had been horrible, as she had expected, and she had woken up in a cold sweat 4 times. At least this time, there was nothing in her stomach to vomit back up. She runs her hands through her hair, and steps out into the hallway, seeing Jane sit on the steps, looking exhausted.

"You didn't have a good night either?' She whispers, standing beside Jane. The detective looks up at her, dark circles under her eyes.

"Not really. It was a late night." Jane stands up, motioning to touch her, but she moves away and Jane's outstretched had drops. She lowers her eyes at the hurt look on Jane's face, and feels the tears well. "Maura, I'm sorry… please don't cry."

"It's not your fault Jane," She whispers, heading down the stairs, still barefoot from last night. The tile is chilling, but she instinctively goes into the kitchen and brews some coffee. Jane follows, her footsteps echoing through the silent house. She knows they have to go to work in a few hours, and she doesn't know if she can handle seeing that smug face again.

"Maura, please sit down, let me do this for you…" Jane puts a hand on her arm, and she tugs it away quickly. She tenses up, and she knows Jane is suffering now. She had burdened Jane, she had revealed to the detective what had happened… and now they were both suffering for it. Normally she wasn't that weak, she could suffer in silence for a long period of time… but Jane had broken her shell.

"Jane, I'm fine. I just don't want to go into work this morning, I really don't," Maura whispers, turning around and gazing at the tiles as Jane leaned on the counter beside her.

"We can take the day off and… Maura, you have to file a charge against her." Jane knows better than to touch her now… or she should. Maura feels the dirt caked on her body, and she wants to filter bleach into the shower head and cover herself in it. It's impossible that she'd live after a shower like that, but she doesn't care about the physical limitations anymore.

"What evidence do I have? She… she… the table I was on wasn't in view of a camera." Maura wipes away the tears from her cheeks, and she clasps her hands together nervously. "I felt her… cleanse me after she was done, and I'm certain she's showered by today. Nothing was touched by her, and… she had gloves on up until… until… she was wearing gloves when she touched my skin…" Maura desperately wants Jane to reach out and hug her tightly. She knows that pressure spread over a large area can sometimes be used to calm people down, and she needs that right now.

It's too much to ask though; she can't have Jane become filthy because of her. So she continues talking, the pain gnawing at her is like a drug. It's making her feel something; something other than the horrid emptiness that she feels when the pain goes away. "Ri… she… she only took off those gloves when she… had her way with me… She made me touch her… and…" Maura can feel her fingers sting from the rubbing alcohol that Riley used to cleanse her fingers, and she digs her nails into the palm of her hand. "I can't remember everything she used… I was floating in and out of conciseness… I just remember… her nails were so long…"

"Maura, we can find something to convict her with. Everyone down there also knows who you are, and they trust you. I doubt they would ever think that you're lying about something this serious…" Maura tenses quickly as Jane hugs her tightly. She wants to push Jane away, and the pain is replaced by guilt. She can see the metaphorical dirt still residing on Jane's shirt as she pulls away.

"Please don't make me say it…" She begs, taking the pot of coffee, and with shaking hands she pours it into a mug. "Jane… I don't ever want to recall those events."

"Maura, I know it's hard… I've worked with these vi… people before." Jane sounds pleading, but she knows better.

"What were you going to say Jane?" She whispers, turning to face her wife and sipping the coffee slowly.

"Nothing, don't worry about it…" She hates that word as much as she hates that woman's name. She knows she is a victim, and she absolutely hates how that word has so much pull on her.

"You were going to call me a victim Jane," She murmurs, sipping the coffee and glancing at Jane's wavering expression. Very few times has she seen Jane Rizzoli wanting to burst into tears, and this was one of those times. Jane's eyes shine with the tears, and she feels like she wants to break down as well. "Do not refer to me as a victim Jane. I hate that word. I'm a strong woman; I am not a victim…"

"If you're so strong, you could be able to file a charge against the bitch that did this to you and you would be able to testify against her." Jane looks like she's about to snap, and Maura gazes at her. She's right, the detective is right; she's nothing but a broken woman, lying in this husk of what she was. Maura swallows nervously, and feels the ground go out from under her. Jane's arms are around her, holding her tightly and the tile sends chills up her spine.

She should be stronger than this, she shouldn't be bawling in her wife's arms. She should have the strength to go into work today and to file a charge; she should be able to go in and do her job without having an incident of weakness. Jane's fingers are gently combing out her hair, and she feels a pressure build in her head and chest as she cries harder. She clings to Jane's top and feels the horrible pressure inside her temples as she gasps for breath between the sobs.

The tile is gone, and she feels Jane carrying her protectively. Her hand is still curled around Jane's neckline, her knuckles white from gripping the fabric so tightly. She still feels the tears roll down her shirt, and whenever she closes her eyes, she can see Riley's face looking down at her… and can feel the cold tile floor of the morgue across her bare back…

Jane brings her to their bedroom, and lies on the bed, still holding Maura close to her. Maura can't stop crying… she's never like this, even yesterday, she composed herself quickly. Jane shouldn't have to deal with her… not like this… not when she's so broken…

"I'm here, ok?" Jane whispers softly, and Maura can feel the protective embrace and the well meaning words on her skin. "I'm not going to let you fight this on your own. You're not a victim Maura, I'll tell you that, but you need to fight against Riley…" Jane stops, taking the time to swallow the bile, and continues. "You have to show her that you're stronger than her. You can fight this. Maura, no matter what happens. I'll always love you…"

She breaks down at that statement; the tears come in flowing tides and she can't hold them back. Jane repeats those 4 simple words over and over again, and Maura wants to believe them, she desperately does, but Jane doesn't know how much of her was soiled by Riley… When she finds out… Maura doesn't even want to thing about that… It shouldn't be like this; in those wedding vows, nothing warned them about this. This situation shouldn't even be an option for them…

Maura can't feel her hand anymore, from grabbing Jane's shirt, but she can't let go. She knows it's selfish for her, to make Jane stay, but she couldn't lose her wife. She couldn't stand to let that emptiness take her now.


	3. Dig it Deeper, Just to Throw it Away

**I came up with an entire plot-line for this, from start to finish! Thanks to everyone who read and reviewed, I'm grateful for your feedback :) I'm trying to create a schedule, with this and my other stories. Just to keep myself organized. **

**I don't own Rizzles :( they should be cannon by now. All spelling/grammar mistakes are mine.**

**Self harm in this chapter. Warning!**

**Enjoy!**

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Maura wakes up in the empty bed, groggily rubbing her eyes and looking behind her in search of Jane. She knows she shouldn't be as clingy to the detective, she certainly doesn't deserve it; yet a part of her is begging Jane to come back and sooth her. She tugs the blanket up to her chin, freezing in the simple pajamas. Her temples throb, and she covers her head with a pillow, wanting to stay as far from light as possible.

"Maura?" Jane whispers her name, and she slowly raises the pillow to see Jane standing in the doorway. Daylight is creeping through the windows, and she quickly covers her head again. "Maura, hey, why are you doing that?" Jane's voice is calm, warm. She feels the bed sink in as Jane comes closer, the warmth from the brunette's body coming through the blanket.

"My head is throbbing Jane, could you please bring me a Tylenol?" She murmurs, slowly taking the pillow of her head to see Jane's pained face. The detective nods solemnly, and leaves the room again, leaving Maura to collect her thoughts.

Why wasn't she at work? She knew that eventually, she'd have to suck it up and go back into that morgue. If it was anywhere else, she would see that morgue as a place of refuge. She couldn't speak from anyone else's perspective, but she could speak for the dead; she felt more at ease amongst the dead than most living people. She couldn't walk through those doors without seeing Riley leaning against the table, without seeing herself spread eagle on the farthest table…

Riley had infiltrated her sanctuary. That morgue had been where she had gone for refuge, and now all she saw was bloodstains and ugly scars. She tossed the blankets off herself, feeling the cold sweat reemerge.

Jane's silhouette appears in the door, her face blocked by shadow, and Maura's face drops. Something about that image reminds her of … that night. She lets out a whimper, and grabs the pillow, covering her face with it. This is by no means logical protection, but she can't see another alternative. She is struggling to breathe tears flowing freely.

The steps get closer, and Maura heard herself plead, "Please, don't hurt me. I'll do whatever you want… but not that, not again. Please…" She screams loudly when the pillow is pulled from her hands, threads getting caught under her nails. Jane's face appears in front of her, and instinctively she flings her arms around Jane's neck. The salty tears are brushing against Jane's chest, but she can't stop crying.

Jane's hand is rubbing small circles on her back as she cries silently. "Jane…I… I'm sorry… I don't know what … what came over me," She's hyperventilating, and clutching Jane's soiled top, but she can't let go… she can't see Riley again…

"It's ok Maur, you don't have to apologize." Jane says the words so calmly, and Maura nods silently, her head truly feeling like it will explode. She wants to ask for the Tylenol, but every time she opens her mouth, she feels like she's going to vomit. Spots swim in front of her eyes, and she's assuming she's dehydrated; with all the cold sweats and pots of coffee, she's surprised she hasn't passed out yet. "Do you want some water?"

Maura nods her head slowly, taking the plastic cup from Jane gingerly and sipping. For the first time in the past 5 days, she doesn't feel like vomiting. Maybe it's because her body is pleading for some food. She slowly sips the water, taking the small pill and sitting up. Her knuckles are still curled around Jane's neckline, unwilling to let go of the fabric.

"You can let go of my shirt Maura, I'm not going anywhere, trust me…" Jane puts one hand on hers, but she can't let go. She hates herself for not trusting her wife, but she doesn't want Jane to leave her, not now, no matter how much she deserves to suffer in silence.

"Please don't…" She whispers softly, sipping the water still. She hasn't realized how thirsty she was until now, and she knows that she'll want to vomit again when she stands properly.

"Alright…" Jane motions to stand to refill the glass, but Maura clings to her tighter. Her knuckles are a pure white, and she can see the red indentation of where she was tugging at the neckline on Jane's skin, but she can't pry herself away. She pulls herself closer to Jane instead, and rests her head on the brunette's shoulder. She shouldn't be doing this, she hates the thought of leaving so much dirt on Jane's skin, but she doesn't want to be alone. "C'mon Maur, let's go downstairs. Do you want me to carry you?"

Maura wants to burst into tears; Jane is so willing to help her. She doesn't deserve any of this love, that child deserved to be loved, but she had failed… She nods slowly, afraid to say anything without her gag reflex working again. Jane slowly gets out of bed, maneuvering herself to work with Maura's body and the two stand. Maura has one arm around Jane's shoulders, trying to steady herself, but she's weak from lack of food and broken spirit.

Jane holds her hand as they go down the stairs, and steadies one arm around her waist protectively. Maura closes her eyes as they start going down the stairs, thinking how much easier it would be if she just fell down… she might be free for this suffering, and Jane would certainly be able to find better than her. However, the detective wouldn't let her do that.

The tile is chilling, and Maura wishes she had socks. She tries to stand on her own, but her steps are ghostlike and slow, dragging her feet along the floor as Jane supported her. The medication was working, but not well enough. The emptiness was sinking in, and her mouth was running dry. Maura opens her mouth, trying to speak clearly and quickly doubles over, up-heaving the little water she had drunken. It burns her throat and stings her nostrils, and she feels Jane holding back her hair as she does it. Her ribs ache from the constant assault, and she doesn't care.

"Maura, don't speak ok? I can take care of everything, just point to me what you need." Jane whispers softly as she continues with the dry heaves. She hates the feeling, and she wishes she had food in her system.

"Just… some water…" She murmurs, surprised she could get that out. Jane sits her on a chair and refills the glass. She sips in slowly, watching as Jane sits across from her, unsure of what to say.

"I called in sick. I couldn't drag you there, I'd hate myself, and if I went alone I'm pretty sure I'd be thrown in prison." Maura leans back in the chair as Jane speaks, the emptiness is overwhelming. "Maur, I would understand if you don't want to go into work for the rest of the week, but you can't let her beat you."

"She's already done it Jane," Maura puts the glass down, feeling the pain stir in her. Something to fill the void, and she's grateful; another while of that emptiness and she'd break down. "She's broken me… we both know it…"

"No!" Jane slams her fist on the table, tears streaming freely. Maura jumps slightly, but quickly settles into the previous position, opening her eyes to look at Jane. "Maura, you are not broken. You… she hasn't broken you, I'm sure of that. I can go down to the station and kill her right now if you'd like, and I wouldn't feel a damn shred of remorse. I am not going to let you fall apart because of that bitch!"

Maura leans forward, covering Jane's balled fist with her own pale hand. "Jane... she's won…"

"No she hasn't!" Jane stands up quickly, on edge. Maura feels sapped of energy, otherwise she'd try to stand and do something. "She hasn't won, I will not let her win, and neither will you!"

"Jane, do you know what she did?" Maura's voice rises louder, and she stands slowly, gripping the table for support. The pain inside her is making her feel full, giving her something to go on and she's grateful for it. "She raped me! Do you understand what that is?"

"Of course I do Maura, do you really think I'm that stupid!" Jane yells back, and Maura can still see the tear stains fresh on her cheeks. "I know exactly what happened."

"No you don't!" Maura covers her eyes with one hand; they sting from the dryness and the tears. "You weren't there, you won't understand… she spiked my drink, she blamed a bottle of wine she brought."

She reveals the light of day again, only to see Jane staring at her, and she looks away. The detective looks as though someone had ripped out her soul. She continues, working on the nerve that the pain has brought her. "I felt myself being dragged onto that table, and I felt as she ripped her way into me. You seem to think that this was nothing… that you can just… get over something like that… You don't seem to realize that whenever I turned my head, I saw a trail of blood. I felt every time her nails dug into me… every single time!"

Jane's beginning to break down, she can see it. She can see the way the tears are shining on the detective's face and how her chest is heaving with silent sobs. "You won't ever have to feel like that. I know what happened with you Jane, and… Hoyt's dead, he can never hurt you again. I have to live with this!" She screams, slamming the table and seeing the flashes of pain on Jane's face. "I have to put up with this, alright! I have to see her, every day, five days a week at work. I have to see the way she smiles smugly at me, how the look on her face will taunt me. Do you know what she was saying to me when she… when she was ripping into me?"

Maura gasps for breath as Jane shakes her head. The detective's arms are wrapped around herself, and her eyes and cheeks are bright red from the tears. "She was telling me how much I was enjoying myself; she was telling me how filthy I was…" The pain is flooding her system, this form of self-harm pumping adrenaline through her veins and swallowing the emptiness and tears that she had held so far. "I listened as she moaned when she… when she made me do things to her…" Maura looks at the nail marks dug into her palms, although she's unsure if they're her own or not.

"Maura, please…" Jane's begging her to stop, and Maura nearly collapses in fear at the words. She can't see the tall detective anymore; she can see herself, begging for the rape to stop. She grips the table to stop from falling over, and she pulls herself upright.

She brushes past Jane as she finds a new-found strength, and ignores the brunette's cries. Jane's words echo in her head, along with the moans she's been hearing all weekend. She feels as though every crevice in her body is caked with dirt and grime, and she wants to wipe it all away. She glides up the stairs, unaware of Jane still sobbing in the kitchen. She's passed on her pain and her filth to someone who never deserved it. The emptiness returns full force.

The bathroom's lights shine brightly, but she doesn't care anymore. She runs a bath, and sheds her pajamas, stepping into the warm water and pulling her knees up to her chest. Her world is crashing down around her, and she doesn't want to believe it, she can't bear it. She's so thirsty, her mouth is running dry, and she leans back in the bathwater, expecting to see the liquid dirty with grime. It's not; it's crystal clear and clean, and the sight surprises her.

Maura sit out of the water again, aware that the faucet is still running. She leans her head against the porcelain rim, and closes her eyes. She doesn't want to feel anything anymore.

-.-

Jane sits on the kitchen chair, afraid to move. She had seen the pain in her wife's eyes, the anger that Maura clearly harboured. She never allows herself to break down like this; she's never let anyone see her as weak since Hoyt had his way with her. Maura had only seen her break down like this once.

She can't give up on this though. Maura needs to press charges, she needs to get justice, and Jane can't give up on her. She can't let Maura just walk away from all of this. Jane shakily stands, wiping the tears from her eyes. She steps out of the kitchen, leaving the warmth of the sun through the window and heads up the stairs, calling Maura's name.

"Maura, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be forceful…" Jane sees the door to the bedroom closed, and listens at the faint sound of running water. It doesn't take this long to run a bath, and Jane opens the door to see the liquid pooling at the door of the bathroom. She runs to the door, and tries to open it, but the lock prevents her from doing so. She grits her teeth and slams herself against the door, calling Maura's name loudly.

She's scared. She's more afraid now than she has been all night. She had the solidarity of knowing Maura was just a few doors down the past few nights, but she's going in blind now. She isn't about to predict Maura's outcome; she isn't sure what to expect.

Her fingertips brush against the key on top of the door, and knock it down from its hiding place. The slickness of the water on metal combined with her shaking hands cause her to fumble with the lock. Finally unlocking the door, Jane thrusts it open and sees the water in the bath flowing over the porcelain edge. She can see Maura's hair floating to the top of the water, and for a moment she's frozen. In fear, in panic; it's as though she has forgotten how to walk.

A small squeak comes out, and Jane runs. She runs to the bathwater, shutting off the faucet and tugging Maura's limp body out of the bath. Maura's eyes are hazily open, and Jane isn't sure how long she's been under. Maura's hand feebly reaches up and touches her face; Jane grips it tightly. She pounds quickly on Maura's chest, the doctor taking a gasp of air and colour returning to her cheeks. After a few sputtering sounds Maura sits up, breathing heavily.

"Maur… I… what happened…" Jane sits across from her, watching Maura's moves, afraid to start crying again.

"I… I don't know." It's a lie, and Jane can see it. Maura starts scratching the top of her hand lightly as she whispers the words, and Jane shakes her head. She's trying to control the urge to shake Maura and make her say exactly what she's thinking.

"You're lying." Jane says, watching as Maura pulls her knees to her chest in an effort to cover herself. She wants to cry; Maura has never felt ashamed of herself until this… She's never seen her wife so broken down and beaten.

"Do you want me to tell you the truth?" Maura looks at her, and Jane bites the inside of her mouth to keep from screaming. "Have you ever felt so empty that you don't know what to do with yourself?"

Jane looks down, unsure of how to answer that. Why would anyone ever think of hurting Maura? The doctor never did anything to anyone; she had her little quirks, like everyone else, but whatever she said was sincere. Jane twirls the wedding band around her finger, examining the smooth gold. She looks at Maura's hand, noticing the absence of the band. Maura notices her stares.

"She took it." Maura whispers slowly, "She took it… she said you wouldn't stay with me… so she might as well have taken it then…" Maura examines her own hand, missing the band.

Maura looks up at Jane taking her own hands, taken aback by the detective's abruptness. "Maura, if she kept it… do you know what this means?" Jane's looking hopeful, and she doesn't want to wreck that. She can't bear the sight of the usually strong detective so shaken again. "We might have evidence."


	4. I Can't Stop What I'm Hearing Within

**Hello again everyone! here's the 4th chapter. glad this story has gotten so far :) Sorry it's been a while, I've been a bit addicted to Homestuck recently, and I seriously need to catch up. and I wrote this chapter instead of doing my English essays, procrastination sucks.**

**So thank you all for the reviews :) I tried to have Jane beat up Riley without hurting her to badly. I don't know if I did a good job... but I tried. **

**Read and Review, Enjoy! :)**

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Maura shakily steps out of the car, and waits beside it for Jane to emerge beside her. She grips the detectives hand tightly as they go inside the Police Station. She doesn't want to be here; she doesn't want to see Riley, she doesn't want to go to the morgue. However, Jane has a plan, and so she'll follow it to the smallest detail if that means she doesn't feel so terrified.

Her heels click against the tile and Jane flashes the both identification cards to the officers guarding the doors. Maura almost smiles at the irony of the situation; these officers were stopping those armed with guns, but not those armed to the teeth in psychological warfare. She holds tightly to Jane as the detective leads her to the café. As much as she doesn't want to see Angela, she reluctantly agrees. Jane needs stability that she is unable to give right now.

Maura keeps her neck stiff, unwilling to make a large spectacle of herself. If she were to enter with her head hung and her eyes lowered, Angela would certainly suspect something.

"Are you sure you don't want to go back home, I could say you were sick?" Jane whispers in her ear, and Maura turns her heavy head, nodding. She doesn't want to be here, but she can't stay locked in that house for another day. She can feel the dirt caked on her skin, and no matter how many times she runs into the shower, she can't wash it off. Every time she stepped into the shower, Jane was waiting on the edge of the bath, afraid for her. Jane shouldn't be afraid. If something happens to her, Jane will be free.

"Morning Ma," Jane easily plasters on a smile as they step into the café and Maura smiles as well. She feels unreal, a shadow of what she really is. Angela greets them both, smiling and she feels so ashamed. She doesn't deserve any of this warmth; she deserves to freeze in this cold husk of a human being.

"Good morning you two, where were you all weekend?" Angela stands with a hand on her hip, leaning on the counter. Maura uses all her willpower to keep her head upright and maintain eye contact.

"Just inside," Maura says confidently, her voice unwavering. She can feel her hands itching, but unsure why. It was the truth; she and Jane had just the spent the weekend inside the house. She wasn't going to mention it was because she was terrified to go outside for fear she would look filthy to everyone else, and mostly spent in the bathroom, vomiting.

"Yeah, just relaxing after the tough case last week." Jane and Angela continue the banter, unaware of Maura's obvious silence. Jane holds the two coffees, rolling her eyes at Angela's speech, and Maura observes the dynamic. It's strange to see such a relaxed atmosphere, and she wishes she could be a part of it; she knows she would tamper and break it however, she always destroys good things.

"Anyways, we gotta go solve that murder case from the weekend, the John Doe. I'll find Frankie for you, send him up. Bye Ma," Jane calls, wheeling Maura around like a rag doll. She hands the doctor the coffee, viewing Maura's knuckles whiten around the cup. Maura's barely been eating; only last night could she have a few bites of toast.

The two turn around the corner and get into one elevator. Jane presses the button for the morgue, feeling Maura's gaze on her as she does so. "Maur, what's wrong?"

"You should be going up with Frost and Korsak, your place isn't at the morgue." Maura whispers, ashamed and red in the face. Jane shouldn't be sacrificing her job, not to take care of her. She is able to go to the morgue and stay there for more than 10 minutes, or so she hopes.

"Yeah, well, I know you don't want to be there alone right now. I called Frost this morning while you were getting dressed. I told him I'd be with you in the morgue for most of the day." Jane puts an arm tightly around Maura, and kisses her crown. She knows how much Maura is dreading walking through those doors, and the least she can do is stay with her for the day.

"How did he respond to that?" Maura whispers, leaning towards Jane as the protective arm comes around her. She doesn't deserve this, the words ring inside her head like bells. She doesn't deserve to have Jane be kind to her; her dirt is rubbing off on Jane's clean clothes; Jane is much better than she can ever be.

"He said it was fine, and he'd tell everybody else." Jane exhales when the doors open, and takes Maura's hand, stepping outside of the elevator. Turning, she sees Maura back against the elevator wall, letting go of her hand. The look on her face will remain etched in her memory. Maura's pained, she's scared, the fear burns in her eyes. "It's ok. I'm here; I promise I'll protect you."

Protection; Maura doubts she can be protected now. She's too shattered; Jane would be protecting a pile of worthless grey matter. Tentatively, she nods, and takes Jane's hand again, leading her out of the elevator. She doesn't want to leave the small 4 walls, but she knows she has too. Especially if Jane is spending the day with her down here; she can't stay frozen in an elevator.

Maura grips Jane's hand tightly as they enter the morgue, with its glass panes and examination tables. She feels herself go faint at the sight of the furthest table in the room, afraid to go near it for fear Riley will emerge. She is aware that she's gripping Jane's hand tighter than she should, but she can't bear to let go. It the grip is released, she'll just fall back to where she was last week; spread eagle, moaning in pain, pleading to stop.

She is also painfully aware that Jane realizes this as well. She bites her lip harshly, tasting blood in her mouth and looking down at the linoleum tiles, only to see a trail of thick red liquid leading to the table. She sits at her desk before she falls, still gripping Jane's hand and shivering in her jacket. "I don't want to be here…"

"We can go home," Jane is quick to lean down beside her, but she shakes her head. She has a job to do, a responsibility. She can't be a failure at this as well.

"I… I can't… I have to stay here and do this job." Maura shuffles through the papers on her desk, toxicology reports from John Doe's blood sample along with a few case files from the past few weeks. With everything that had happened, she hasn't been on top of things like she normally is. The knots twist tighter inside her stomach, and she wants to double over in pain. She shouldn't have eaten this morning; she's bound to vomit again.

"You don't have to, Maur, look at me." Jane takes her hands tightly, and Maura wants to cry. She can't be this weak… "We can go home, and we can find you another job OK? If you can't come back here, you can go somewhere else."

"I can't quit something that quickly without an explanation…" Maura looks at Jane's pleading eyes, and nods. "I know, I'm going to press charges, but I can't just quit everything I've invested into this place." She puts a hand to her mouth, hearing shoes coming down the hall and begging herself to keep the bile inside. She cannot start vomiting in her, she can't.

"Good Morning Maura," Riley's here; she's materialized right in front of Maura. The lean body, the menacing eyes, the smirk… that smirk… it's all there. Maura looks up and meets the soulless black eyes, seeing flashes of what happened in them. Her breath hitches, and she's afraid. She can't carry this charade, she can't be strong in front of Riley; she's right back to that quivering mess of tears that was in Jane's arms yesterday. She grips Jane's hand tightly, right as the detective turns around.

"You…" Jane stands, her fists shaking. She's ready to kill this bitch, and one hand is placed lightly on the gun on her belt. "You actually have the balls to show your face down here." She feels Maura put a hand on her shoulder, trying to hold her back, but she pulls away. She's not letting Riley get away; if that bitch slips through her fingers, she'll never forgive herself.

"Good morning to you too Jane," Riley half smiles, looking calm as anything. Maura tightens her grip on Jane's shoulder, trying to reel in the detective again. Riley won't show that domineering gaze to anyone else, no one will see the glint in her eyes, the smirk on her lips… "What's gotten into you?"

"You know perfectly fucking well," Jane pulls away from Maura and grabs Riley by the collar, slamming the smaller woman against the glass pane. She can see the fear on Riley's face, but she can also see the smile playing at her lips and she presses the thin body tighter against the glass. "You cocky piece of shit, you think you can fucking waltz down here and do whatever you want?"

"What… are you… talking about?" Riley gasps for breath as Maura sits, frozen in position on the chair and trying not to cry. She can't break down, not now, not here. She knows she's a walking mud pit, with all the dirt caked on her skin, but now she can see it on Riley's as well. She can see the brown mud on Riley's cheeks and hands, the stains on that suit… and she doesn't feel as worthless. She knows there is someone who is filthier than she is.

"YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!" Jane unleashes that inner beast, the one she's been keeping caged ever since Maura told her about that night, and slams Riley against the glass pane again. She can see a web-like crack form on the glass, and she drops the detective, knowing that she could be charged for assault.

"I have no fucking clue Rizzoli! What the hell was that?" Riley screams back, trying to stand up. Maura can see the dirt fall off her in chunks with every lie told. She can't believe these lies, she can't… did she really fall for those other 'lies'? Maybe she was filthy all along, and Riley just brought it to light. She wrings her hands together, looking at Riley as the tan woman glares from her and Jane. She can see that glint… that smirk… she can hear those words… how she's filthy, how she deserved it…

Jane leans down and grabs Riley again, slamming her against the window, making the glass crack larger. "You little piece of shit…" She slams her balled fist tightly into Riley's stomach, knocking the wind out of the smaller detective. "You actually thought you could get away with raping my wife?!" Jane lands a few blows on the bitch before they both hear footsteps.

"Jane, what the hell are you doing?!" More voices are coming down the hall, and Maura covers her ears, pretending this isn't happening. It's too much chaos for her liking. She hates that in a few minutes everyone will be staring at her.

Jane drops Riley to the ground, brushing hair out of her face. She looks from Frost in the doorway, down to the scum on the ground. This was one of those moments where she wished murder was legal, and she could easily cut off Riley's head. It is silent in the morgue, tensions high, and all Jane can hear is a faint whimpering. Frost can hear it too, but he thinks it's coming from the bitch on the ground. Jane brushes by them both, and hugs Maura tightly, tears flowing down her wife's cheeks.

"It's ok," Jane whispers into Maura's ear, pulling her up and holding her tightly. She hated herself for allowing Maura to come into work today; they should've stayed at home. She repeats the words softly, ignoring Frost's puzzled look. She shouldn't have brought Maura to work… she wants to kick herself for being so stupid.

"Jane, what the hell happened?" Frost glares at her as she stands, leading Maura up from the chair. She feels Maura's face press in the crook of her neck, hiding from Riley. Jane looks at that ugly face, and she sees what Maura can see. The bitch is smirking; she has the balls to be smirking at a time like this.

Jane brushes back Maura's hair, trying to coax her wife to show her face but to no avail. "Maura, please. I can't be the one to tell this." She leans into Maura's ear and whispers so softly; she can't hear the words herself. Maura's shakes her head against her skin, and she exhales. This is going to be by no means easy. "Riley stole Maura's wedding band." Jane says, calmly, with dignity. She glares at the bitch on the floor who is looking shocked. "I know you have it, Maura told me everything." Jane hisses, wanting to kick Riley harder than ever.

Riley looks like a deer in the headlights, an angry one. She fishes in her pocket and pulls out the gold band, flinging it towards Jane and standing up. Jane catches it with her spare hand, examining the thin band. She can see a substance on the inside of the gold ring; her gut instinct is to cry with relief. They have evidence; Jane unfortunately has no doubt that the milky white crust on the inside of the band belongs her wife. She wipes away a tear, and presses the band into her wife's hand, having to pry open Maura's balled fist in the process.

"What do you want Frost?" Jane turns her attention to him, feeling Maura's face emerge to look at the ring, the hand pulling at her blouse collar removed. He looks confused before answering.

"Maura, do you still have the results from that Jane Doe found a few weeks ago?" Both Frost and Jane look down at the small woman, and Maura glances up, her eyes large and red. She nods slightly before reluctantly pulling away from Jane.

"Here," She whispers, her voice dry and cracked. She grabs the file from her desk and shoves it into Frost's hands. She nods periodically as he explains why they might have another suspect for the killer, something about oil and baseball mitts. She can't pay attention, not when she can feel Riley's eyes boring into her. She plays back all those lies that had been spoon fed to her by everyone in her life, and how Riley's held up in comparison. They made more sense. All her life she had been the outcast, and to think she had actually found someone so willing to be with her? It was a lie, it had to be.

"What are you looking at?" Jane growls, tugging Maura closer towards her. Riley's looking at her wife like Maura's fresh meat; this bitch is dumb. Jane makes a step towards Riley, curling her fists so tightly her non-existent nails dig into her palms; Maura pulls her back.

"Nothing," Feigning ignorance; there are no words to describe how much Jane hates her. "What's gotten into you Rizzoli?" Jane sees red before feeling Maura's hands take hers. She sees the smile on Riley's face, that stupid smile says it all; 'I got into your wife'.

"Seriously Jane, relax a little." Frost turns to Riley, nodding. "We should go question this suspect."

"Of course," Riley nods back in agreement. Jane wants to break down. Frost, her partner, is getting angry with her while flirting with a rapist. She wants to spit, to beat some sense into the man. Instead, she stands taller, with Maura holding her closed fists until they disappear from view.

"Why didn't you say anything Maura? You can't let her get away with what she's doing. Those little hidden glances, those smirks… I want to kill her, I really do." Jane hugs her wife tightly; afraid she'll break down before she gets the chance to murder the bitch.

"There's no need to make a big scene if we don't have evidence. You're a detective Jane; you know that without evidence, a rape trail is lost unless the accused is a known offender. Judging by the way Frost was flirting with her, I doubt she has a criminal record." Maura pulls back, uncomfortable with Jane's affection. "When I get the results for the white substance, I'll file the charges. Then we'll have something to go with."

"Maura, you need to file this now. If we're lucky, we can have the results to this by the time we go to court. If not, we'll have the evidence sooner. These things are backed up by a mile." Jane takes her hands, silently begging Maura to look at her. "Please Maura, I'm begging you, please do this."

"I will Jane, I promised you I will." Maura nods her head, trying to make herself believe the words. She promised that she would file a charge; she never gave a specific time frame where she would. She took the ring from her fist and sealed it, convinced that the only DNA the tests would find would belong to her. "Let's just get to work. The sooner this day passes, the sooner we can go home."


	5. Wash The Poison From Off My Skin

**Well, let me start off by saying I apologize for the long period between this update and the previous one. I had a bit of writers block with this story. **

**With the new episode of Rizzoli and Isles, I know Riley went back to the drug unit, but why? I was actually looking forward to her character, as long as she didn't interfere with Rizzles of course. **

**Moving on, as a quick response to the reviewers (thanks for reviewing! :) ), Jane will definitely so some bodily harm to Riley, and I do have plans on pressing charges, but there's a reason why I'm delaying it a bit. As it plays out, well... hopefully it'll live up to expectations. **

**So, here's the new chapter, usual disclaimer, all the same stuff. **

**Enjoy!**

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"_You must've had a busy day, with the new bodies found?" She gets closer to Maura's desk, hands still behind her back. Maura makes no notice of the intimidating presence._

"_Yes, I suppose it has been a bit hectic. Nothing out of the ordinary though," Maura looks up from the files. There is one more report to be finished, and then homeward bound. She is tired, and hurting, but Jane can help. Jane is always able to comfort her, even with this. Maura can go home and cry on Jane's shoulder for a while before being lulled to sleep by Jane's hand. _

"_You should relax a little," Riley puts the open bottle of wine on her desk. Maura eyes it wearily, unsure how to take this gesture. Overall, the new detective hasn't seemed so bad, friendly even, but her guard had been up all week. Maybe tonight she could use a small break; albeit not to much, she did have to drive home later. "Would you like some?"_

"_Yes, thank you." Maura nods, her facial expression neutral. Perhaps this can be a night to make a friend, to get to know the new detective. She was a married woman after all, very much in love with her wife. Nothing would happen between the two. _

"_You've been looking tense throughout this investigation. Let me," Riley takes the glasses from Maura's hands, and pours the drinks herself. Maura turns, putting the reports into the filling cabinet and locking the door. A quick drink before going home and sinking into her hazy thoughts. She smiles softly as Riley hands her the glass, thanking the brunette before taking a sip. _

_-.-_

She awakes with a jolt, rolling off the couch and slamming her back on the floor before realizing where she is. The finished basement is lit up from the early sun's glow, and Maura stands quickly, tying back her hair before tossing the blankets onto the couch. Another one of those hideous dreams; the plaguing nightmares have become the norm. She thinks back to the ring hidden in her desk at the lab, and covers her face. Today is the day to determine the white substance.

Jane shouldn't have been so determined to prove that the DNA belonged to her. If proven her own bodily fluids, there was nothing proving that Riley had been inside her. Riley could simply state that she stole the ring, not knowing what was on it. In order for that wedding band to prove substantial evidence, Riley's DNA had to be present on it. She bites her lip, wanting to destroy anything that is on the band.

Standing trial against that woman would be a nightmare. Maura could picture Riley's angry face when up at the witness stand and her smug face when it was determined that there wasn't enough evidence to prove any such rape had happened. Maura grips the banister as she climbs out of the basement, blinking at the light coming through the ground floor windows. She just wants to descend back downstairs, and spend the day alone in her thoughts.

"Good morning," Maura nearly jumps out of her skin when Jane's voice echoes behind her. It's not a good morning; there's a dark cloud hanging around her head that will no doubt get heavier as the day goes on.

"Hello," Maura murmurs, turning to face Jane. The detective is already dressed, ready to tackle whatever this day held. Maura rubs her temple, trying to think of a decent excuse on why she doesn't want to go to work. She doesn't want to close her eyes, because she can picture Riley's body on hers, she can hear that voice when there is complete silence.

When Jane made her sleep in the same bed, all she could here in the dark was breathing, all she could picture was herself on that cold table, Riley sitting on her chair, drinking the uncontaminated wine. As she had lay beside Jane, huddled in a ball, she was thinking of how she would move on with her life, and despite all her logical reasons, she couldn't. She couldn't take those steps to move forward until she had processed in full what happened. That alone was taking longer than it seemed.

"Ready for work today?" Maura casually studied Jane's face, noticing the dark circles under her eyes. Neither of them had a very peaceful sleep last night, it seems. She wants to say yes, she is strong; she can walk into work unbothered by the fact that they allow beasts to walk around freely. The words coming out of her mouth seem to disagree with that.

"Is it possible for me to just stay home today?" Maura steps back as Jane motions closer to her. She bites her lip nervously, finding herself leaning against the wall as she presses up against it.

"Of course," Jane whispers hoarsely. "Do you want me to stay with you?"

_Yes, please stay. Today will no doubt be filled with tears and a black void inside my chest. I want you to stay, and to hold me even when I push you away. I want you to whisper to me that things will get better, and there will be justice, even thought I know there will be none of the kind. _

"If you want," She bottles her thoughts inside and throws the glass into the internal void. She finds herself wrapping her arms around her, in an effort to flee from this chill that seems to be crowding around her.

"Then I'll stay," Jane takes off her jacket immediately, tossing it onto the banister to go upstairs. "Let me cook you breakfast." Jane extends a hand to her, palm up. She can blatantly see the scars in the center of Jane's hands. She knows that there was a time when Jane had gone down in flames, and now she was stronger, but everyone knew that they were two different people. Jane could handle going down in a blazing chariot; she knew that she would just burn along with it.

She grips Jane's hand tightly, afraid to let go. Perhaps that strength that Jane had drawn upon could flow into her through touch. She nods at Jane, afraid to say more than a few words without breaking down her exterior. She can eat now; it's an improvement from the past few days. "Thank you,"

Jane smiles softly towards her, and she can see the hurt behind her chocolate eyes. An iron grip forms around her stomach again, and she wants to double over, nervous for something that she can't make sense of. Jane didn't deserve to feel pain, at all and now she was the cause of it.

Maura sits at the table, not saying a word as Jane cooks her some breakfast. She can smell the sweetness of the pancake syrup, knowing the end result will most likely be burnt because of how easily distracted Jane is in the kitchen. She sniffles, freezing in her actions as Jane turns at the noise.

"Maura, talk to me." Jane unplugs the grill, immediately taking place beside her. Maura gasps as Jane grasps her cold hands. "Please talk to me. I hate being shut out like this, and you don't deserve to keep everything pent up."

"You shouldn't have to hear what's going on inside my head." Maura shakes her head, feeling more tears spill down her face.

"I want to. I want to know whatever you're thinking and I want to help in every way possible. If that means me going down to the station and making that bitch look like Swiss cheese, I swear I'll do it. Maura, tell me what you want me to do," Jane looks at her so pleadingly, that she can't bear it. Her hands are freed, and they fly to her face as Jane hugs her tightly.

_I want you to hold me, tell me that everything will be fine. Tell me that we can get through this, and that dream I had on our wedding day will come true. I want to you make sure this will never happen again, I want you to kill that horrible woman. _

Maura opens her mouth sporadically, trying to say something, but nothing comes out. She clings to Jane as the taller woman picks her up and carries her into the other room. She feels the couch underneath her, and realizes that Jane is laying her out face-down against the soft fabric. She clings tightly to Jane's neck, and hears reassurance.

"It's ok Maur, I'm right here; I just need to see something. Please trust me," Jane's voice is so calm, it's scary. She doesn't let go, she only clings to her wife tighter, unwilling to be left alone right now. "Maur, you have to let go of me now. I'm not going anywhere. I want to see your back."

Maura pulls away from Jane, enough to make eye contact, and the brunette brushes away a stray strand of hair. "Maura, I want to see what that bitch did to your back." She sucks in her breath at Jane's words. If Jane sees the damage that's been done… she'd be so ashamed. She should've known better than to trust a complete stranger. It was karma; she had been punished for so many things, she was loosing track. "Please allow me this Maur,"

Reluctantly, she lets go of the iron grip on Jane's neck. She grips the pillow under her head as Jane maneuvers her into position, literally holding her breath as Jane's fingers near the hem of her top. She wants to stop Jane, to tell her that this didn't need to happen, but she wanted to move on. She needed to take a step in some direction for anything to happen, and this was as good as any.

She bites harshly on her lip as Jane moves her shirt up, the cold air hitting her lower back. She had been covered up the past few days; even when Jane found her in the bathroom, the towel had always been covering the scratches. She hears Jane's breath stop, and the nimble fingers run over the indentations on her back, remnants of what had happened.

"Maura, don't these hurt?" Jane's hand stops when she reaches her mid-back, where everything stopped cold.

"No, they didn't even hurt when they had occurred. I was too numb from the cocktail of drugs and alcohol to notice. I don't think even she noticed until she went to clean my wounds." Maura whispers, taking a firm grip of the pillow.

"You have to press charges. Please Maura, I'm begging you to. If you don't want to go into work today, fine. Tomorrow, you don't have to go to work either, but I want you to go and press charges." Jane gently turns her around, and she finds herself looking up at her wife. Jane's chocolate curls are falling onto her face, and she can see the pain clearly behind the dark beauty's eyes. "She deserves to be locked away for the rest of her life. And you deserve justice."

Maura doesn't say anything; she just gazes into Jane's eyes, her lips slightly open. She doesn't like to toy with the idea of 'what ifs', but she couldn't help but thinking what if this hadn't happened. If she hadn't miscarried, or if Riley Cooper hadn't casually strolled into their lives, everything would be so incredibly different. The feeling that's engulfing her, it's as though she is detaching from her body; it's as though she's real, but she's not there. Her hand reaches up, and brushes against Jane's cheek.

Jane's hand is on top of hers, rubbing small circles with her index finger. The warm grip on her wrists is welcoming, not startling. It's intended, expected, but soft and gentle.

_I want everything to be alright. I want it to be me and you, and our child. I want to live the rest of my life with you Jane, and this time I'll know better than to withdraw from tragedies that we encounter. We should've been together, not separate during that time. I want this to heal; I want these scars to heal so I can see ourselves playing on the front lawn with our children again. When I close my eyes, I want to see you, holding our baby instead of her, and the bright lights of that room. _

Maybe, if she could find a way to stay like this, she would see Jane when she closed her eyes. She didn't want her wife to leave her sight, not for now at least. She wanted to say this all to her wife, how much she loved her, how much she needed Jane.

"I love you Maura," Jane's voice is hoarse and scratchy, like she swallowed sandpaper. Maura's eyes widen as Jane presses a soft kiss to her palm before returning her hand to her cheek. She wants to cry, but she feels numb; her tears are exhausted.

"I love you too," she finds herself whispering back, a sound that surprises both her and Jane. She closes her eyes, afraid that this will all disappear as she does so, but with her hand on Jane's cheek, she can still see her wife. Riley isn't taking up the space in her eyelids, Jane is.

She feels Jane climb off her, but the hand still cupping hers. Somehow, Jane squeezes onto the couch beside her, holding her around the waist and her head on Maura's shoulder. With her eyes still closed, Maura smiles softly, inhaling Jane's familiar intoxicating scent. She isn't strong, not nearly as strong as Jane, but she can feel a warmth bubbling inside her from the black void.

Maybe tomorrow she'll feel better; tomorrow she'll feel like eating. Not a four course meal, but some pancakes or fruit, something substantial. Perhaps tonight, she won't feel the need to sleep in the basement, in the dark with the other things that are horrible disfigured. She won't be able to sleep in the bedroom, but perhaps she can sleep on the couch tonight, slowly working her way up.

"I'll go," She whispers, still unsure of whom the voice belongs to. It sounds shaky, but firm.

"You'll go where?" Jane murmurs, and Maura can tell she's half asleep, most likely due to the fact that she clearly got no sleep last night.

"I'll go to the station, I'll press charges. I promise I will." Maura inhales sharply, "And then I'll come home and vomit."

"Then I'll hold your hair away from the toilet when you do." The grip tightens around her waist and Maura smiles a little. She can get through this, she can be strong. She can feel Jane's strength flowing into her.

She can do this… she can tackle this… maybe…


End file.
